Do you have sex for pleasure or to feel needed and accepted?

Sex often times triggers so many personal insecurities. For some it is completely taboo. For others, talking or even thinking about it is the source of great embarrassment. And yet it is fascinating to observe that inside this society, personal success is measured by the capacity to create romantic relationships, which implicitly includes the regularity with which sex occurs. But this cannot make any sense, since sex seems to disappear from most relations quite rapidly. Sex is like a major commodity, used to rate how attractive, charming, loving, valuable and accepted an individual is. Consequently, the lack of sex or even the total absence of it can generate intense and uncomfortable inner turmoil, because of all the judgments and conclusions that such a situation is likely to spark. Given all these considerations, do you have the feeling that sex is fun after all? Or is it solely a means that is utilized to reach a temporary sensation of self-acceptance?

::: Is sex about everything else but pleasure?

How often do you hear people say, “I need to get laid!”? Is this urgent need to have sex intended to spend an intimate, fun, exciting and hopefully orgasmic time with another person? Or is it only motivated by the intense necessity to release loads of frustrations that have been accumulating since the last sexual intercourse occurred? There are so many men and women who elect to utilize sex as a means to momentarily lighten their emotional baggage. It is not for pleasure. Hence, it has to be quick and sloppy. Why would people want to take their time when they are letting go of what has been burdening them, anyway? And you can easily pinpoint those who choose to have sex with this specific agenda in mind. They are the most fervent partisans of the “quickly in, quickly out” philosophy. They are also the ones who excel in the art of “make-up sex.” Since when is the presumably “best sex ever” supposed to happen after a horrendous fight? This is utterly insane! To believe that anger can ultimately generate peace and harmony is completely ludicrous, because it never does. In reality, anger creates more anger, and sex is the justification that is used to conceal it.

Most individuals exploit sex to prove themselves and others that they exist. The sexual act itself carries absolutely no other forms of consideration whatsoever. It is consummated to push at all costs the desperate “Please, see me and accept me!” agenda. And it only works one way, because it only gratifies the one who pushes the agenda, while the other person who is involved is never made aware of its existence. It is a covert operation. Therefore, the partner is systematically misled. It is very similar to the way most people use words. What matters is that what they say sounds attractive and enticing enough to someone else, even though they do not mean anything that comes out of their mouths. To feel accepted is the ultimate goal, and anything that can contribute to achieve it goes. To leave the other emotionally scarred once the fraudulent act is unveiled is always discarded, since such preoccupation would prevent the agenda from being fulfilled successfully.

Sex is used to fuel and then feed an utter need to control. It is ruthlessly abused to manipulate others. It is leveraged to seek and obtain satisfaction, regardless of the consequences. As long as the recipient believes that he or she is accepted, the form and the manner that are employed in the process do not count. Cult leaders, for example, never hesitate to have sex to recruit new female adepts. Then, they alternate sex deprivation and sex overabundance, respectively to ensure that those women go out there to recruit new male adepts (themselves using sex to fulfill their duty) and to reward them for bringing new recruits in. In this instance, sex is simultaneously provided and endured, because of the existence of an agenda that needs to be fulfilled no matter what.

Do you think that sex must be deserved? Do you believe that it must be used to reward someone? Many individuals have succeeded in convincing their partners that they need to deserve it. Isn’t it a wonderful and powerful way to condition someone? Most people embrace the idea that sex always carries a hidden agenda: their own! The problem is that only one person is fully aware of it: the instigator! And each time the other party ends-up wondering why he or she is enduring the sex instead of enjoying it, this signifies the presence of a hidden agenda somewhere in the equation. The widely entrenched notion of “conjugal duty” is a prime example.

::: When sex is dreadful, should you avoid it?

Fantastic sex does not have anything to do with the complexity of the positions, the location or even the physical appearance of the partner. Fantastic sex happens inside an environment that is totally judgment-free. Thus, to experience blissful and pleasurable sex when “limited” to the missionary position on top of a “conventional” bed inside a “conventional” bedroom is absolutely possible, as long as it does not carry any form of judgment. Of course, it does not mean that you should not have a pretty clear idea of what your preferences are in the moment. And no one is forcing you to have sex with someone you find unattractive, so you can prove how open-minded you are. It is not the point. Judgment-free sex is embracing all components and elements in the moment, without doubting or questioning anything and anyone, especially yourself. To wonder silently and with much anguish, “Am I being good right now?” simply because your partner is not moaning is a judgment. Is there a rule stipulating that your partner has to moan, so you can validate how amazing you are in bed? This is not a rule. This is a piece of programming, and you have the option to deconstruct and eliminate it at any time.

You have the power to know whether sex with such or such person has the potential to be fun. The only condition is that you must disregard all forms of sentiments, especially if they are not yours in the first place. What does this entail? How often have you been attracted to someone who was certainly not your type, and you still managed to have sex with this person? Were you truly attracted, or did you sense how attractive you were to this man or this woman? Do not hesitate to acknowledge what your true preferences are in the moment. This is the most important. Now, one may argue that a preference is the result of a sentiment. Fair enough, however has a preference ever led you to behave in a largely unconscious fashion?

As basic as it sounds, one major issue that constantly revolves around having sex with someone else is that you are not alone in the process. Your very own preferences may actually clash with your partner’s. If you are predominantly concerned about pleasure, is the other person on the exact same wave length? How many times have you thought that this one-night stand would never last beyond the night itself? That was until your assumed one-time partner asked you what your plans were for the upcoming weekend. How often did you end-up staring at the ceiling, wondering how you would get the hell out of this bedroom? This unconformable feeling of being stuck and trapped may have actually been a reflection of your ability to read your partner’s mind. He or she wanted you to stay, with the unspoken desire to start a brand new relationship together, and you perceived it. Since it was definitely not your ambition, you quickly felt aggravated.

Great sex starts with oneself. Can you really seek in someone else what you cannot even provide for yourself? If there is one person who should know how to pleasure you, that’s you! Let’s face it: everything always starts with your own self. If you refuse to masturbate without judging yourself and climax like never before as a result of your own touch, how can you perform great sex and have a phenomenal experience with another individual? By becoming fully aware of what you require sexually, you can instantly know whether someone has the true potential to be a wonderful sexual partner. You immediately sense it.

Society needs to measure everything, so multiple scales of values that pertain to all areas of life can be established. And by using those scales, people are able to position themselves and assess the relevance of their accomplishments. Sex certainly does not depart from the rule. Do you really think that the frequency with which an individual has sex means anything at all? It should certainly not be a measurement of his or her intrinsic value. Per this society, it does reflect how “integrated” or “desirable” someone “really” is. If you do not buy the brand new tablet computer as soon as it is released, there has to be something wrong with you, because you refuse to behave like the masses. It is the same thing with sex. If you do not “score” this weekend, you lose. Doesn’t it sound constricting? Interestingly enough, it is one of the main scales of values that an overwhelming number of people use to judge the quality and the pertinence of their lives.

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To have good sex is not sufficient. Sex should always be great, or forget it! Life is way too short to settle and accommodate something that is not fully satisfying. Whether sex happens in bed, on top of a desk after hours at work, over the phone, via webcam, or with oneself, it does not matter as long as you enjoy it to the fullest. If sex is not fulfilling, what do you need to change about it? And you’d better not put the blame on your partner… because you are the one who chose this person! Finally, if sex is of no interest whatsoever to you, I am sure that you have other areas of concerns, and it is more than fine.

Are “You’ve hurt my feelings” and “You need to change” toxic setups?

If you thought that blackmail and extortion were solely about financial stuff, you may want to reconsider your opinion. The utilization of emotions and their by-products such as “You’ve hurt my feelings” or “You need to change” have turned the practice of blackmailing or extorting people into a fine art. What does it signify? I remember that every single time I would refuse to obey my mother and consequently fail to be what she wanted me to be, she would say, “After everything I have done for you, this is how you thank me?” Isn’t “after everything I have done for you” such a fantastic and powerful way to manipulate and control? How many times have you been confronted to a similar situation? And how did you choose to react? Totally cornered, did you comply with what was expected from you?

Men and women who are kind and truly grateful for what others have done for them in the past are the preys of choice for those who relentlessly use emotional extortion to control, manipulate, use and abuse. It is interesting to note that such interactions rarely occur outside of the “circle of trust.” Family members and friends are often times the instigators of the extortion. Remember, they were here for you at some point in the past and, as a result, make you feel indebted for life. The problem is that you start altering every single bit of what you are as soon as you decide to accommodate their toxic agendas.

::: Why is the past so widely used to extort people emotionally?

Emotional extortion is all about the use of the past to reach a desired goal today. Naturally, this goal never takes into account the sentiments and the emotions of the one who is being extorted. How many people do you know always exploit the past to get something from someone today? They never hesitate to remind you of everything they did for you at a time you were vulnerable and needed their support, simply because they have decided that it is now your turn to deliver. It is payback time. You need to reimburse this debt you did not even know existed until the extortion process suddenly started. Do parents tell their kids that there is a price tag attached to their supposed kindness? Absolutely not! It seems like they keep this agenda totally hidden. What may look like an obvious demonstration of love often times turns out to be a consciously calculated stratagem to better control their children.

Love is systematically hijacked and becomes the object of a massive emotional fraud. Although you may be convinced that a person is doing something for you out of love and generosity, his or her true intention may likely reflect the complete opposite. This is appalling and yet it depicts a widely spread form of mentality. For what reason is it acceptable to be constantly defrauded of your own emotions? Why is it okay, even though it creates successions of highly counter-productive experiences? Why is it tolerable to continue being bruised and scarred? In other words, of what are you so fearful? What are you so afraid to lose, if you were to finally stand for your own self and discard your persecutor’s insanity? Do you think that anyone who truly appreciates you for everything that you are would employ such methods? This is the moment of clarity that is required. Someone who genuinely values you would never think of setting you up and cornering you. If you are aware of the emotionally destructive agenda that is being pushed at you, you must acknowledge it and choose what honors you. If you are totally unwilling to denounce it, what are you so afraid to lose?

What type of repercussions would you have to face, if you were to stop being the recipient of the emotional extortion and start rising against it? First of all, you would be labeled a total ingrate, who has no recollection of all those favors that were once done to you. How convenient does the past suddenly become, doesn’t it? If you were wondering why there are so many men and women who cannot let go of the past, this is the main reason. They use it as a beacon to create justifications, which they relentlessly use to control, manipulate and abuse people today. Does it mean that you need to forget the past, as the sole means at your disposal to bypass all those considerations that fuel the emotional blackmail to which you are confronted? You do not. There is absolutely nothing that should prevent you from saying, “Thank you for everything that you have done.” before moving on with your own life. If you have decided that you need to repay some sort of moral debt to anyone who has helped you before, you have imprisoned yourself inside their hidden agenda, which is to make sure that you feel indebted for life.

::: What does feeling indebted for life truly entail?

Once you have reached a certain stability in your life and there are now some people who are knocking at your door to remind you that your turn has come to help them, what instantly goes through your mind? I am not referring to the deliberate choice that you make and that consists in sharing out of full-on generosity your love and your wealth with those who are in need. I am purposely limiting the scope to being reminded of this moral debt to which you are now obligated. But at the time, did you know that you had contracted such an obligation? Were you aware that one day you would be asked to repay in full this intangible liability? Why didn’t you suspect anyone of anything? Aren’t people supposed to give because they have a good heart and because they care about those they love? This is what you have been programmed to believe. Unfortunately, a large gap separates the program from the reality. There seems to be a serious glitch in the system. But who is ready to face it and to fix it?

Men and women who constantly remind you of their past actions so you can repay them today are frauds. They are frauds because their initial intention was never motivated by generosity. They lured you to believe that they had an open heart and open arms when you needed that the most. In reality their motive was to trap you inside the mediocrity of their existences. If you take a truthful look at this particular type of interactions, you quickly notice that there are not that many free gestures in this world. Everything is indeed based on the action of giving one day with the expectation of being reimbursed later. What you thought was openheartedness at the time in reality carried a price. The price to pay is this intense sentiment to be indebted for life. Basically, there is nothing that you can do and that will ever match what your debtee did for you. This is the ultimate setup. You are obligated to surrender your entire self to your debtee’s demands. And to be met, those demands must leverage your emotions. This setup condemns you to life without any chance of parole when your creditor is a loved one, someone you trust or to whom you have pledged full-on allegiance.

Why didn’t you immediately realize that you would end-up being morally and/or emotionally indebted for life? Why did you trust that he or she had your best interest at heart? Was it because family must stick together? Was it because that’s what friends are for? Had you known better, would you have signed this implicit contract that is now forcing you to erode everything that you are one piece at a time? Would you have accepted this assistance, whether it was emotional and/or financial? And why aren’t you going away right now? What is preventing you from saying, “I am so grateful for what you did for me at the time. Thank you so much.”? Are you fearful of reprisals? Is it what is preventing you from cutting the umbilical cord once for all? Is he or she threatening you to leave you or disown you? Well, wouldn’t you be so much better off on your own, anyway? If you observe the situation without any biases, you instantly know the answer.

Those who affirm that living your life the way you intend to live it has a cost are utterly insane. Why should there be any form of cost? Your ability to choose what is best for you is an organic right and that’s it. The problem is that when you empower yourself to seek what is rewarding for you, and at a lesser extent for others, you are punished for it. How dare you think about your own self? You should accommodate everybody else first! Are you ready to have those supposedly loved ones go away as a result of your personal aspirations? Or should you remain hostage of their emotional schemes?

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People who tell you that you need to change are not interested in seeing your life improve. They just want you to mold yourself to what works for them, so they can continue to control you. Those who claim that you have hurt their feelings could care less about what you own feelings are. They simply want you to feel guilty, so you crawl back to them and seek forgiveness for something that you have not even done. This society is full of emotional frauds whose goal is to drain all your energy, before they move on to abuse someone else. It takes courage to recognize who they are, and it takes even more courage to dissociate yourself from them, especially when they are family or friends.

Is anyone else more valuable than you?

Who do you consider to be so much more valuable than you, and for whom you would choose to throw your entire life down the drain?  As disturbing as it may sound, this question unambiguously illustrates a choice that a large majority of individuals make on a regular basis.  Such choice is most likely to come from a non-cognitive thought process, which depicts a reality that so many people systematically construct.  When is it healthy and productive to look up to a role model or a mentor, and when does it become utterly destructive to believe that someone who does not have your best interest at heart is there for you?  It is an absolute necessity to observe all those demeanors that you may have embraced, and that have pushed you to rely on others to (supposedly) create your very own life.

::: When does needing to rely on others reflect a clear mistrust of yourself?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to follow into someone’s foot step, as long as it remains temporary.  There are a few individuals out there you may view as mentors, role models, father figures, etc.  And the efforts that you produce to replicate their achievements can certainly generate a significant value-added to your existence.  However, when those efforts cease to contribute to the emancipation of your life, it is then your duty to acknowledge it as quickly as possible.  It is indeed highly precarious and dangerous to decide, even momentarily, to surrender parts of what you are, so you can embrace someone else’s beliefs.  The outcome is ineluctable and often times irreversible: you must divorce your entire self and consequently lose yourself.

The ability to know right away whether an option is worth considering is not a challenge that is insurmountable.  And it does not require years of training or some sorts of superpowers to allow this talent to be an intrinsic part of what you are.  It necessitates nothing more than the simple and straightforward willingness to see without biases.  In other words, you have to see people and occurrences for what they really are and not for what you want them to be.  Unfortunately, in many cases the willingness to truthfully assess what a situation is or how someone really looks like in the moment is oppressed by the burning desire to push an agenda.  And the agenda becomes the source of all biases.  The overwhelming presence of those biases motivates people to realize, when it is already too late, that they should have opened their eyes and followed their instinct, instead of negating it.

The decision to rely on others is quite a tortuous process.  First, you must construct a hidden agenda that implies that other individuals must fill a void that you have created and maintained in your life.  Then you must find them, so you can push and fulfill your agenda successfully.  A hidden agenda is no different from an ulterior motive.  It involves the participation of people who do not know that you are about to use or abuse them.  There is no other way around.  The problem is that you instantly become totally powerless, because you are at the mercy of your preys’ abilities to deliver something for which they have no awareness in the first place.  If you take a truthful look at it, how fast, elegant, comfortable and easy is this operation?  Is there another option?  Well, how about acknowledging the fact that what you require does not have to originate from a fraudulent sentiment?  How about inviting someone to appear in your life and facilitate your accomplishing your goals, not as a substitution to what you are but only as an addition to your efforts?  Frankly, why should anyone have to take successions of detours when shortcuts are available?  Ultimately, it is a matter of recognizing that you can generate what you want, along with the ability to include other people in the process, as long as you do not make it an obligation and you do not divorce yourself.

::: Why can a relationship with another individual feel so lonely?

As soon as you decide that you need someone else to move on or create something, multiple series of biases instantly emerge.  Now, why would you choose to deviate from what you know works so well for you and your life?  By definition, this is what a bias is.  By choosing to do so, who do you end up accommodating?  Do you spend all your energy making sure that this other person delivers what you implicitly demand, including the assurance that you become successful?  Does this dynamic breathe expansion, or does it suffocate desperation?  To assess in full-on honesty whether another party’s involvement has the potential to be an addition to you and your views -and not a substitution- is a potent alternative.  Do you believe that you need someone else, so you can finally feel complete?  If so, you can never be satisfied with your own self, because you systematically need the presence of another person to confirm that you now feel complete.  Most people start a relationship to fill a void.  They equate aloneness to emptiness.  If this is your truth, how much did you have to sacrifice to be in relationships with others and, consequently, eliminate aloneness from your life?

To be in a relationship with another individual can feel obnoxiously lonely.  It is a terrible misconception to believe that company automatically fills a void.  How many men and women do you know think that they are stuck in their marriages, and yet are not doing anything to extirpate themselves from such an emotionally precarious situation?  Despite the physical presence of the other person, they are very much alone, with no one else to turn to.  But is that truly aloneness, or does it rather depict a great sense of emptiness?  Emptiness as a reality offers no other option but to rely on someone else to fill the void.  And the justification of choice to embark on this path is desperation.  The latter should explain why so many relationships in existence are dreadful, since desperation is a highly predominant sentiment inside this society.

The decision to invite people and things to create real value-added to life can generate great momentum for the development of a conscious behavior, from which the desire to be aware at all times becomes the main driver.  It includes the obligation to look at the pertinence of welcoming someone else’s involvement.  If such involvement does not complement and create value, it has to be discarded.  A job represents a clear illustration of what I just stated.  To most men and women, having a job is solely used to survive.  It is assuredly not used as a means to seek greater and bigger.  It is only intended to pay the bills and save a couple of dollars here and there.  Most individuals view jobs as a way to keep-on enduring life, and not as a powerful activity that would allow them to thrive and prosper.  Hence, the job quickly substitutes itself to the one who holds it.  And the consequences are horrifying: the individual is stuck inside a tiny box that prevents him from clearly seeing what other alternatives exist.  “Be grateful to have a job in this economy…”  How many times have you heard this abomination?  Well, it is never too late to purge your brain from all those programs to which you have been subjected since birth. Once again, it is a choice, and no one should make it for you.

To blindly obey what society in its ensemble expects from you is viewed as the easiest and most effortless lifestyle to embrace.  Consequently, to silently follow the rules and dogmas that others have established on your behalf is the right choice.  If the latter describes one of your core beliefs, your life cannot be entirely fulfilling.  You may certainly become outrageously successful on a professional level, but the intense dreadfulness that would characterize your personal life would undeniably make you a shallow, empty and non-conscious individual.  But who cares when social and financial statuses are indeed the means that are utilized to measure an individual’s value, right?  Well, you can assuredly have it all, without having to conform to anyone’s rules and corrupt what you intrinsically are.  It is your choice.

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You are the only person who has the power to give your life a direction.  You are the only person who can make anything so clear, because ultimately you know what is best for you.  Life is way too short and way too much of an exciting adventure to give-up on yourself and give others the power to decide for you.  Anything and anyone that you elect to consciously add is a bonus.  And there is nothing that you should consider as being more powerful or greater than you.  If that is not the case, then you have lost all forms of control over your own existence, and you are at the mercy of others’ choices and conducts.

Is cheating solely about infidelity or extramarital affairs?

What does it really mean to cheat?  Everybody has constructed his or her own definition of what cheating and especially what being cheated on really signify.  For most individuals, cheating cannot be dissociated from the act of having sexual intercourse with someone outside of what is considered as the “official relationship.”  But is that all?  This certainly sounds quite limiting.  There is so much more to cheating than catching your partner in bed with another man or another woman.  And the need to force the cheater to endorse all the responsibilities for his or her actions does not really solve anything.  As trivial as it sounds, in all two-way relations it takes two to tango.  However who is truly ready to admit it?  It certainly feels so much easier to put the blame on the one who seems to be at fault.  This need to condemn is such a wonderful way to occult what needs to change urgently on an intrapersonal level.

:::  Is cheating a subjective notion after all?

Have you ever noticed how easy it is to accuse someone of cheating?  Cheating is indeed an accusation that only a very few individuals are ready to assume fully.  To be judged as a cheater carries connotations that reflect everything that society despises the most, and therefore it is highly precarious to bear due to the shame and the embarrassment that it creates.  Furthermore, the infamous expression that stipulates “once a cheater always a cheater” shows how difficult it is to get rid off this label once its presence has been deeply entrenched inside the minds of the accusers.  The cheater is chastised, castigated and often times excluded.  To understand the cheater’s motives is useless and a definite waste of time.  The mob condemns and there is nothing that can be done to change its mind.  But what does it really signify to cheat?  How does the accuser define what cheating is supposed to look like?

To cheat is a subjective notion in the sense that it is motivated by carefully assessed choices, which themselves are encouraged by series of desires that make a lot of sense to the person who decides to go there in the first place.  Society encourages the one who is cheated on to conclude that it can only be a reprehensible act for which a pardon is utterly unacceptable.  “Never forget, never forgive and never trust again” is the motto.  Now, is cheating solely about infidelity or extramarital affairs?  Most people would like to think that it is the case simply because it is convenient.  It is indeed more comfortable to construct judgments that are used to label others than it is to take a blunt look at one’s own choices and at all the ramifications that those choices generate.  Most individuals cheat on themselves every single second of the day and they certainly do not want to admit it.

What does “cheating” mean to you?  What tangible signs or actions do you need to witness, so you can assuredly accuse someone of cheating?  And does it tend to be about cheating in general, or is it always about someone who is cheating on you?  If your partner is having sex with another individual, who should be blamed, if anybody?  Is it him or her for sharing intimate moments outside of your relationship, or should it be you for staying in a relationship that is obviously not functioning harmoniously?  If there is a systematic refusal from either one of you to work on creating a healthy relationship, should anyone be blamed for what is going on?  No one puts a gun to your head and forces you to maintain a relation that is working so poorly.  And yet, does your choice to maintain the status quo at all costs give you the right to point fingers, so you do not have to look at your very own choices?

:::  In your mind, when does it become cheating?

What must happen, so you can assuredly conclude that your partner is cheating on you?  In your eyes, when does the cheating start?  Is it when you become suspicious, when you are able to collect series of tangible proofs, or when you finally catch him in the act?  There are women who feel betrayed as soon as their husbands or boyfriends look at another woman on the street.  Now, would you feel dismissed if your lover were to go to the museum and admire the naked body of a woman painted by Matisse?  Absolutely not!  And the reason is that sex with a woman who is taking a suggestive pose on a canvas is impossible, since she is painted on a canvas.  Anything that suggests that sex can become a possibility must be suppressed at all costs, simply because sex is often times source of major upsets and personal insecurities.  Thus the simple look at another woman’s rear creates successions of assumptions that all lead to the same conclusion: this pig wants to have sex with her!  It is not real.  Instead, it is entirely constructed on false premises, which are based on the personal insecurities of the one who instigates the series of assumptions.

If you know your partner better than “just” that, can cheating enter the realms of what is possible?  Most men and women do not know who they married because they initially committed to the relation for the wrong reasons.  At the time, they only saw what they wanted to see, while dismissing all the rest.  And today the rest continues to be occulted purposely, because it would be way too disturbing to acknowledge it.  That’s the “too late anyway” factor.  Well, if you are in a relationship and you do not know the man or the woman who wakes up every morning besides you, it is definitely time to pull the alarm and look at the seriousness of the consequences that can arise from your choices.  To say one day, “I didn’t see it coming!” is not acceptable.  It means that there are realities that you undeniably refused to know about your relation, your partner and foremost about your own self.  If you are truly secure with what you are and your partner’s intentions, will you suddenly crash if you catch him watching pornographic contents on-line or sending text messages to another woman?  No, and you may not even be in this relationship for starters.  However, a great majority of women will indeed crash, because they are unsure of the environment that they have created around them.  This is the surprise factor that should never exist.  This is a reflection of the total lack of awareness with which the partnership was originally created.  So, intrinsically, whose fault is it, anyway?  Remember, there are no victims…

:::  Ultimately, is cheating on yourself totally acceptable?

Most people absolutely refuse to look at themselves.  The choice to look at oneself in the mirror is an exercise that can be so brutal that it is often times avoided at all costs.  It is in fact unpleasant to bluntly see your shortfalls and limits, because it gives you no other choice but to feel wrong.  And who is truly ready to admit that he or she has made a bad choice with consequences that have generated intense horrendousness?  Ego is what prevails, and for that reason it is considered easier to find refuge inside one’s own lies and certainties.  Your choices condition your life.  Your poor choices condition how dreadful your existence is, whether you are involved in a relationship.  To constantly focus on another person’s issues prevents you from seeing clearly where you are standing in your life at this very moment.  How convenient too, isn’t it?  It certainly necessitates fewer efforts to label and punish others for their actions than it is to be bluntly honest with oneself.  Isn’t it how you were programmed to think, anyway?

When you purposely elect to wrongfully report your income to the IRS, you shortchange the federal government.  That is a fact.  But ultimately don’t you cheat on yourself by minimizing your professional accomplishments as well?  That is another fact.  As a result, do you punish yourself for that or do you take pride in your ability to be able to hide parts of your revenues?  The former would make of you a masochist while the latter would make of you someone who can play the system.  So why would you not acknowledge that your partner who is cheating on you by having sex with another person also has the ability to play the system?  But this time, it is your system that is being played!  Double-standards are extremely precarious because they give you no other choice but to punish someone else for what you are doing yourself.  Of course, there is no sex involved while filling your Form 1040, so it must be different!  It is different only if you decide that sex is the sacrosanct limit beyond which cheating becomes a reality.  The problem is that it opens the door to all forms of exaction that do not include sex, and it excuses them.  You will not excuse the partner who is sleeping around, however you will excuse your behavior even though the result is the same: everybody is cheating.  To cheat is cheating, regardless of what it is.

Folks who know that they have disappointed themselves in any shape or form are likely to bury the harsh reality as deep as they can, so they never have to look at those changes that are utterly required in their lives.  And the best form of distraction that they use to do so is to condemn those who commit the exact same type of actions in substance.  It is greatly hypocritical and it also depicts the way society works.  It also shows that people who are inclined to judge others in reality project judgments they have of themselves.  And this is a crucial point.  The husband who judges his wife for having cheated on him actually judges himself for having been asleep in his relationship before it happened and while it was happening, until he discovered the upsetting truth.  The entire responsibility can only be shared.  But who is ready to recognize that?  People would rather spiral down together by blaming each other than being honest with themselves and each other, so their relationships can finally become productive, harmonious and somewhat conscious.  The challenge is that it is not common practice.  It goes against all the precepts to which most people have been subjected since they were born.  They have observed their parents embrace series of counter-productive conducts and they have elected to duplicate them, because this is all they know.  This is a challenge that is definitely worth undertaking because it has the propensity to be life-changing.

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Honesty starts with your own self.  It is very difficult to require from someone else to be honest with you if you are not fully honest with yourself.  By choosing to be honest with yourself, you uncover uncomfortable truths that are not easy to process and eliminate.  However would you want to live your entire life dragging such a toxic emotional baggage?  It is just a choice…

Do you have the option of giving up on your own self?

You are confronted to options on an on-going basis, and you use judgments to formulate what you think is the most appropriate choice.  However are you aware of the origins of your judgments?  Are they the result of the conditioning to which you have been subjected since your early childhood?  Are they based on conscious trains of thoughts that ultimately allow you to assess whether one way is certainly more productive and rewarding than another?  Could they be based on a succession of unconscious or even anti-conscious considerations?

The direction that you choose to give your life does not have to make any sense to anyone else, since it is all about your very own life.  Thus, there are people who elect to self-destruct because such demeanor utterly serves their agendas.  Other folks would rather continue to grow, since life as it currently is cannot be enough for them.  They have to consistently seek greater.  What about all those men and women who know that they have the potential to generate so much more, start whichever process is required to reach that goal, before abandoning?  They have the very best intentions, are motivated, but choose to give up on themselves as soon as they decide that it has become a worthless mission.  What makes them firmly believe that their sole option in life is to revert back to their initial state?  Actually, can this even be an option?  It certainly is for a large majority of men and women in this society.  Do they know how destructive and counter-productive this choice is?

::: What makes so many people give up on themselves?

Inside our society, the action of quitting triggers a tremendous volume of judgments, which themselves carry series of extremely negative connotations.  To quit is viewed as totally wrong.  It is perceived as an obvious mark of emotional and/or physical weakness.  How many times have you heard the most fervent supporters of the hegemonic thought relentlessly state that only losers quit?  Well, if that is the case, I must have been a loser on numerous occasions.  When you take a closer look at it, what does it mean to quit?  What does it signify to give up?  If you have embarked on an adventure that has ceased to work for you and your life, for what reason would you force yourself to continue and, consequently, endure a situation that has become totally annihilatory and calamitous?  This does not make any sense to me.  I personally do not believe in masochism because I utterly dislike pain.  To stay in a situation that is not functioning anymore is full-on masochism.  What good can be generated from choosing to embrace such a stance?  And yet, to quit automatically makes you a loser.  How many individuals are staying inside abusive, dreadful, sad, mediocre or unfulfilling relationships simply because they do not want to be seen as quitters, and therefore as losers?

Change does not have to be easy and comfortable at first.  It could, however it is more likely to create some level of turmoil here and there.  Change means the necessity to let go of old habits, so a brand new perspective can be generated, developed and enhanced.  Hopefully, it is all about letting go of destructive habits, so an enriching and highly rewarding alternative can emerge.  The problem is that the notion of “brighter horizons” is often times totally unknown to those folks who are seeking them.  And thinking of the unknown is overwhelming and frightening to most.  The simple projection of being displaced or misplaced fuels the need to maintain the status quo at all costs.  The decisions that a better life is not deserved, regardless of the reasons that are constructed to justify this viewpoint, are incentives that push the instigators of the change to backtrack in their endeavors.  Moreover, why would you create a life that is full of bliss when there is so much misery all around you?  Well, if the latter depicts the foundation on which your belief system is based, I am urging you to reconsider the way you think.  It is a reality that change is not always comfortable at first.  It is true that it becomes extremely fulfilling very quickly.  It requires that you continually trust yourself and your ability to seek greater, regardless of the amount of time that is needed to reach this next stage in your life.

When you refuse to pursue what you know is right for your life, you inexorably end-up facing two alternatives.  You either divorce every single bit of what you are and start cruising though life totally asleep and at the mercy of others’ decisions, or you become addicted to something or someone.  In all cases, your existence takes a turn for the absolute worst.  A great majority of those people who have already decided that sending themselves into a comatose was their sole solution to survive in this world are already lost.  The rest may elect to wake up one day, and only a very few will bring a drastic change to their lives.  Those who have found refuge in addiction always know why they have gone there in the first place.  They certainly do not want to remember it, since it would undeniably interfere with their choice to abuse themselves.  But it is always there, somewhere in the back of their minds.  And it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge it.  It is the same type of courage that they initially required on the day they elected to numb their perceptions, so they would forget how phenomenal they intrinsically are.

:::  Is giving up on yourself a selfish act?

Selfishness is quite a subjective concept that can carry a connotation that is much different from the one that the hegemonic thought has entrenched for ages.  Society judges the action of choosing for your own self as selfish.  The reason is quite simple: you do not have the right to choose for yourself, because it means that you refuse to fit inside the box that has been constructed for you.  When you elect to deviate from this fate that is relentlessly imposed on you, your attitude is viewed as defiant, self-centered and vain.  But what suddenly happens when you choose to give up on yourself?  Isn’t it what this society wants of you at all costs?  Remember, as soon as you have given all your powers away, you instantly become this soulless entity that is now so easy to control and manipulate.  Once you have surrendered, you basically have no other option but the dreadful obligation to fit-in.  Does this represent an attractive alternative?  It surely is for those whose lifelong mission is to crush you and alienate you.  What about this decision that you have made to give up you on yourself?  Is it a reflection of this total lack of respect and gratitude that you have for all your potential?  In other words, does your selfishness that consists in belonging no matter what prevent you from thriving like never before?

This world is full of men and women who, at some point in their lives, have chosen to abandon everything that they are.  Was it out of discouragement?  Was it due to a lack of ambition?  Were they not necessarily aware of the extent of their potential?  Or maybe did they have this insatiable need to relate to other men and women who also had elected to give up on their own lives?  Agendas are multiple, which make generalizations totally impossible and irrelevant.  Still, the number of people who give up is overwhelmingly high and it keeps on increasing exponentially.  There is a pattern that needs to be identified, because it is obviously deeply implanted inside the minds.  What makes it okay to stop and regress?  There are not that many people who stand at the top of the pyramid.  The masses are at the bottom.  And the sensation of belonging is much more predominant when one feels surrounded by many.  It is seen as the easy solution, so you can never be and/or feel alone.  Nothing has to be painful in life.  Ease is a virtue that only a very few are not reluctant to embrace.  However the choice of taking the easy route when it creates absolutely no value whatsoever is totally outrageous.

Do you have the feeling that you owe anything to yourself?  If so, what is it?  And once you have acknowledged it, how does it sound?  If you have decided that you need to be the very best that you can be at all times, regardless of what that means, do you constantly feel empowered to live life to the full extent of your ability?  Does this sound like a reasonable option?  And does it make you a selfish individual?  Others will definitely spend their entire energy judging you as such, simply because they are totally unwilling to see life as this fantastic adventure that only happens once.  Their existence is solely limited to working eight hours a day in a job that they resent, so they can have just enough money to pay all their bills.  If you dare to have a fulfilling life, they have no other choice but to punish you for your arrogance.  Allow them to judge you.  This is certainly one of the best compliments that you can receive.  Their selfishness is characterized by the master plan that they have elaborated and that is supposed to bring you down to their level.  If you do not comply, they call you selfish.  Do not make the mistake to believe that you are the selfish one!

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Everyone is confronted to choices at all times.  Some of those choices have the true potential of being life-changing.  When you ignore them, you basically quit on your own self.  And at the same time, it also makes you relatable.  To acknowledge those choices allows you to grow.  But the price to pay is to be labeled as a selfish and arrogant prick.  Oh well…

Should you believe people who say that they want to change?

There are so many men and women who always seem to have the very best intentions in the world.  They relentlessly claim to whoever is willing to hear them that they need to change, that they want to change, and that they will do whatever it takes to make those changes possible.  In a very best case scenario, all they do is pretend for a while, before reverting back to their initial constricting state.  The rest does not even bother to start, making their words totally meaningless and their desires utterly fraudulent.

Why have most people elected to believe that the only resource available to them, so they can create a life, is to project an image that is so remote from what they really are or from what they would love to be?  In other words, how much disgust do people must have of themselves to fuel this constant need to pretend to be someone else?  For what reasons do they refuse to acknowledge who they intrinsically are and what their condition or current situation is?  Do they fear the judgments of others?  Moreover, by embracing the choice to be perpetually living a lie, do they actually give themselves no other possibility but to occult the dreadful consequences that living a lie does indeed require?

Ultimately, do people really change?

::: Per this society, is it in your best interest to change, anyway?

We live in a world where most interactions are based on an act.  Honesty and genuineness are virtues that are mostly inexistent, and the creation of a superlative relationship with oneself is not a possibility.  It is even categorically proscribed.  Basically, you do not have the right to enjoy who you are and feel good about yourself, simply because such choices would prevent you from having the ability to relate to others.  Most individuals are miserable, so why would you want to be different, anyway?  You have to be relatable and palatable, at all costs.  Therefore, you are highly encouraged to have a mediocre relationship not only with yourself but also with others, including those so-called “life partners.”  This is your duty and your responsibility, if you want the group to accept you.  Now, if you persist on having a mediocre relationship with yourself, can you really have grandiose, expansive and rewarding interactions with other people?  If you cannot have a tiny bit of love and appreciation for what you are, are you likely to meet someone who will?

There is one major rule in this society: to embrace blindly the common denominator and its “hegemonic” thought, so you are safe at all times.  Basically, you must belong, conform, and do whatever you need to do, so ultimately you can fit inside the mold.  Does this sound attractive to you?  Maybe it does, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Ultimately, it is your choice.  However, if at any point in time you become aware that such a mind-frame turns out to be way too limiting, what else can you do?  How about embarking on a pro-active journey that consists in applying to your life all those changes, which you know are utterly necessary?  Are you tempted by the adventure, even though it may scare so many “loved ones” away?

Inside this society, most elements represent an aversion to creating the life that you would like to have.  Fortunately, from time to time, there are a few people who choose to wake up and recognize that what they are experiencing in the moment is far from being adequate and satisfactory.  They suddenly become aware that so much more has to exist out there.  As a result, they elect to change, and they do so by empowering themselves to eliminate what is confining their lives.  Sadly, a great majority of them tend to go back to the place where they originally started.  Some even choose to regress in even greater proportions.  How can you go back, when you now know for a fact that so much better does exist?  Who would be insane enough to behave that way?  Actually, exploring new possibilities, embracing them, and then returning to an initial state of no-possibility is absolutely fine to most individuals.

::: Do you honestly deserve change in your life?

There are so many folks who have decided that they do not deserve beauty, freedom, ease, bliss and other positive dynamics for more than a few minutes throughout their entire lifespan.  Why is that?  Even though it might be quite tricky to attempt to understand such raging insanity, a few elements of response still emerge from time to time.  Remember one major fact: in this society, you do not have the right to be happy with yourself, simply because no one else is happy.  Therefore, if you shine you might very likely become an outcast in the eyes of those who refuse to shine.  And most people are certainly not willing to pay such a price.  They cannot accept the idea of finding themselves completely alone and isolated.  Thus they elect to give up on their new self, as a way to accommodate the group.  They go back, so they can make sure that they are surrounded by their peers again.

In a similar constricting spirit, the unconditional necessity to fit inside a group also brings an element of explanation.  I know a few individuals who were involved in cults for years, and who empowered themselves to get out of them, alone and/or thanks to my assistance.  After weeks, months or years of freedom, they ultimately chose to become involved in a cult or in a spiritual community again!  Are they aware of it?  My first reaction is to ask, “Who cares?”  It is definitely not my life that is going to be shattered.  They chose to blindfold themselves and be weak yet another time.  Their insatiable need to be desired and accepted by others bypassed desiring and accepting themselves as free individuals.  It is their choice, and I fully respect it.  I will just be observing from (very) far away the ravages such unconsciousness produces.

It is very difficult to find moral and/or emotional support when you elect to make drastic shifts in your life.  Most individuals resent success and having to do whatever it takes to achieve it.  Thus, as soon as you share your motivations with others, you are likely to hit a wall of incomprehension and possibly disgust.  You instantly become the eccentric one and the subject of two infamous reactions, “Come on, get over yourself!” and “Who the hell do you think you are?”  This strong sentiment of loneliness that the willingness to change triggers may feel excruciating and unfair at first; however, it also represents the solid reassurance that no one will ever succeed in attempting to disrupt your plans for personal and/or professional expansion.  Only you can stop the motion and go back.  Therefore, it is all about self-empowerment.

::: What good can happen, if you do not embrace who you are?

Can you have a healthy and joyful relationship with someone else if you cannot honor yourself in the first place?  “Are you kidding me, Nicolas?  There is no time for such rubbish!  I need to find a mate and have children ASAP!  Otherwise what legacy will I leave?  So, why don’t you go to hell with all your ideals and fantasies about happiness and self-empowerment?  YOU SUCK… AND WHY DON’T YOU GO BACK TO FRANCE?” [Any resemblance with a real situation is absolutely not coincidental]  How many men and women choose to entrap themselves inside this measure commonly referred to as “time”?  Everything is always about time, or rather about the consistent lack of it.  Actually, most people find the time for everything that does not include taking care of their own selves.  Isn’t it interesting?

Truthfully, what else can be so much more important than your own self?  Whose agendas does it serve every single time you choose to give up on all your aspirations?  Why listen to those men and women who affirm that abandoning yourself is indeed the only alternative?  More importantly, why are you so ready to believe it?  What price are you currently refusing to pay, that would buy you the full-on capacity to generate the life that you really want to live, independently of all sorts of pressure?  Perhaps are you totally unwilling to be alone, even if it is the one thing that is urgently needed, so you can finally thrive and proper?  Lastly, do you think that, in the long run, it is way too much of a price to pay right now?

Per this society, happiness is certainly not a state of mind, a choice or a desire.  It is a disease, a curse and an insult to mankind.  If you are happy and you dare to show it, you have got to be completely crazy.  There cannot be any other explanations possible.  Seriously, do you really think that your happiness and joyfulness have the power to be attractive to others?  That may be the case to a very few when, in the meantime, a great majority of men and women will chastise and castigate you, heavily angered by what they have decided they could not have for themselves.  So are you ready to pay the price, or will you continue to conform to what is highly expected of you?

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Most people who claim that they want to change will NEVER change.  So would you like to stop giving them the benefit of the doubt?  Now, if you know that your life requires transformation and you are ready to make the appropriate changes, please do not lie to yourself.  The consequences would be absolutely dramatic, traumatic and beyond repair.

“(Your first name), will you accept this rose” on Valentine’s Day?

I am absolutely ecstatic because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner.  Why is that?  My neighborhood florist here inParisis only a few days away from generating a quarter of her yearly revenue!  She told me that when it is bitter cold, people are not inclined to buy flowers, and so far it has been a very harsh winter inFrance.  As I was buying an orchid the other night, I must admit that I had a very hard time capturing her attention.  I could clearly see her eyes keeping on staring at this bright pink heart that was so nicely circling “February 14” on the calendar that was hanging on the wall behind the cash register.  Valentine’s Day is more than a blessing for her.  It is a miracle!  It is a day during which hundreds of men patiently wait in line outside of her store, so they can fulfill the one duty that is highly expected from them.

Valentine’s Day is funny because it leaves absolutely no room for improvisation.  The entire day is carefully organized around the necessity to buy a dozen of roses.  Nothing else matters.  A mishap can have dreadful ramifications.  There is no margin for error allowed.  Any mistake carries a cost that will certainly damage the relationship beyond a point of no return.  To forget Valentine’s Day signifies the end of the relation.  It is that simple.  And unlike so many core issues that should be addressed throughout the year so the relation can improve and grow, the infamy that forgetting the rose represents will be discussed at length and most likely lead to a unilateral break-up.

::: Why does forgetting Valentine’s Day supersede any other relationship issues?

Most people choose to remain prisoners of the different programs to which they have been subjected since they were born.  And Valentine’s Day certainly is a major one.  If there is one day during which you can prove how much you love and care for your mate, this is it!  The rest of the year does not count.  Your behavior before and after February 14 is totally meaningless, as long as you are emotionally operational on February 14.  This is what society requires from you.  To work daily on your relationship is unnecessary, because it necessitates way too many efforts.  The remaining 364 days of the year are better spent constructing distractions, so you never have to look at the pertinence of your choices and how they affect your loved ones.  But on Valentine’s Day, all you need to do is line outside the flower shop, rain or shine, excruciatingly warm or icy cold, and fulfill a duty that will show your partner how much you love him or her.  It is all about proving on what is judged as the most appropriate day to do it.  It is solely about the form.  It is all about allowing your girlfriend to have something to say or show her colleagues at work, so everyone knows how loving and meaningful your relation supposedly is.

Inside the minds of those who utilize Valentine’s Day as a way to prove something, the goal is actually to conceal the painful fact that love is long gone already.  It is also used as a pretense to fit-in and conform to what most of society expects on that specific day.  Nothing else matters, as long as you elect to conduct yourself appropriately each year on February 14.  And “nothing else” compiles all the issues that constantly tarnish your relationship and are way too disturbing to be discussed freely and openly.  Valentine’s Day is viewed as a wonderful and convenient way to clean the slate once for all, but in reality it never happens.  It is a farce.  The issues always remain.  They are never resolved.  A new cycle of dismissal begins on the day the roses have finally faded.  Any action that is intended to prove anything is utterly counter-productive, because testing or checking someone or something is always motivated by an expectation or an assumption.  If you want to prove that you love her by offering flowers on Valentine’s Day, what do you expect and what do you assume?  Do you expect that she forgets how you treated her last week?  After all, you want to show her that you still love her, right?  What is it really?  Do you want her to finally believe that you have ceased to take her for granted?

It is certainly easier to spend twenty dollars on flowers than it is to be bluntly honest with yourself and your partner about what is urgently needed to change, so your relation can finally thrive.  It is definitely easier to buy something for your mate than it is to undo the consequences of your past choices.  It looks easier but it is not.  It only postpones the ineluctable.  It does not improve your life or your spouse’s.  It is a wonderful reflection of the mentality that so many have embraced and that consists in continually occulting the ugly to create a pretense of moving on with their lives.  Actually, you are only moving backward, aiming for a wall.  And it is often times too late to wake-up once you have hit the wall.

:::: Are valuing what you are and celebrating Valentine’s Day mutually exclusive?

To value yourself is certainly the best asset that you can ever own, and which is far more precious than your house, your stock options (for what they are worth today anyway…), and other material possessions.  If you do not value yourself, how can you become aware of what your talents are?  What does valuing what you are really mean, anyway?  Well, have you ever shut down at the request of your partner, because he or she was not interested in hearing your opinion on a topic that was very much relevant to the life of your relationship?  Have you ever had a great idea, which you knew could definitely contribute to change the way you operate, or even the way this society is functioning today, and in the end chose to discount it, or give it away, or simply abandon it because you were afraid to fail?  Have you ever chosen to blindly follow the herd because of an intense desire to fit-in?  If your life is all about fitting-in and functioning based on what is expected from you, then embracing Valentine’s Day depicts how much you choose to neglect what you are.  You run your life on some sort of auto pilot and you are at the mercy of what others demand from you.

To value your own person and celebrating Valentine’s Day do not always have to be mutually exclusive if you make of February 14 a fun and meaningless event.  When you are totally honest with yourself, you know when it is required to step-up to the plate and address what is not working properly in your relation.  This is the demand that you systematically make for yourself, so your life can continually expand.  When you elect to irrevocably embrace this dynamic, it becomes impossible to take your partner and your relationship for granted.  Thus love and consideration are present at all times.  And your choice to work at all times on whichever issue you may face is the gift of love that you constantly offer your spouse.  Consequently, it turns Valentine’s Day into a fun and non-eventful day.  You do not need to go out of your way on that day to prove anything to anyone.  You know where you stand, and so does your mate.  This is what being fully secure with yourself and someone else truly means.  There is no need to be reassured at any point in time.  A bouquet of roses will simply be seen as a cute gesture and not as a mark of anything more than just that.

Do you feel comfortable dragging yourself down to the level of the common denominator?  If you are wondering what the common denominator actually is, may I invite you to turn on your television and observe how American women are portrayed on this season installment of “The Bachelor?”  They are all insecure, desperate, superficial, mean, conniving and vicious.  They have no self-esteem whatsoever, and their only element of satisfaction is to receive a rose at the end of the show.  The rose is the sign that makes them feel valued and desired.  For a great majority of women, the exact same thought process goes through their minds on Valentine’s Day.  It is the need to feel acknowledged by their partner once a year.  The fact that their love life is totally miserable the rest of the year is unimportant as long as they get something to brag about around the water cooler the day after at work: the best dinner ever, the most romantic date ever, flowers delivered at the office.

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This society tends to promote mediocrity thanks to the mass production of uniformed ideas and thoughts that are incessantly shoved down people’s throats.  Ultimately, isn’t insufflating mediocrity the best way to control the masses, to put them asleep, to drug and numb them to better manipulate them?  And once people have handed all their powers over to those they see as role models, what is left of them?  Are you ready to be your own person and be accountable for all your choices?  Or should you suppress your entire life and wait for a day like Valentine’s Day, so you can bring more consistency to this lie that characterizes your existence?
As Frank Sinatra sings it so well, “Every day is Valentine’s Day…!”

Do you have the right to say “No!”?

When you take a blunt look at it, do you really have the possibility to say “No!” every single time it is the answer that you want to give?  Actually, how about rephrasing and asking whether it is truly honoring yourself to say “Yes” when you desperately want to say “No”?  How many times have you been confronted to a similar situation?  And how often have you felt that your sole option was to accommodate your interlocutor, even if that meant that you had to negate your own self in the process?  Every single time you feel that it is your obligation to please another person, you are totally unable to choose what you really desire in the moment, simply because it gives you no other choice but to entrap yourself inside a mind frame where your personal views can only come last.  One reason that is widely used to justify such a behavior is the necessity to keep the peace at all costs.  Truly, how much peace do you end-up creating when you function from this viewpoint?

Are you really at risk when you say “No!”?  Has “Yes!” become a reflex?  What can you do to finally regain control of your own life, without having to fear retaliation for speaking your mind?

::: What are you truly afraid of?    

Do you really dare to speak your mind, or do you feel that you must refrain at all costs and at all times?  Remember, you are evolving in a society that values the status quo.  Therefore if you choose to express yourself, freely and without filter, you end-up being systematically castigated.  You are the trouble maker, who utterly refuses to fit inside the box.  You disrupt this peace that is supposedly holding this entire world together.  Each time you are reminded about this obligation to preserve the peace no matter what, don’t you start suffocating?  If that is the case, it means that you are aware of this master plan that others have constructed, and that consists in controlling all your moves and thoughts; and it must have become intolerable for you.  To function in this world, in full-on harmony with the masses, you have to preserve the peace, even if your contribution entails that you must cease to exist in the process.  Maybe have you already stopped existing?  Do you regret it, or has it become an intrinsic part of what you are today?  If it is now a part of you, would it feel way too uncomfortable to attempt to change anything?  It may undeniably disrupt your inner peace, whatever that means.  Or maybe are you aware that it is now time to wake-up, so you can rediscover your true self and regain some sense of self-worth?

Have you irrevocably decided that saying “No!” to someone was insulting this someone?  As a result, are you averse to standing by what your desires are?  Actually, who do you insult when you negate your feelings by choosing to accommodate another individual’s?  If you believe that choosing for you is not an option, it may be quite hard to answer this question.  However, if somewhere in the back of your mind you know that it is something that has already crossed your sphere of awareness at least once, then you know that it is potentially doable.  But are you ready to deconstruct all the programming to which you have been subjected and that has continually denied you of your right to decide your own fate?  Even though saying “Yes” continually is a complete disregard of what you are, doesn’t it feel so gratifying to know that your intention is to accommodate someone else?  If you are the true friend that you pride yourself of being, you must accommodate your mates.  You would not want to upset them by not showing up when they require your immediate presence, assistance and attention, right?  If you really are the sweet kid that you have consistently claimed to be, don’t you have to fix your parents’ mistakes, regardless of their degree of insanity and regardless of their absolute refusal to finally become responsible?

If you risk acknowledging such dreadful dysfunctions before making those appropriate changes that will finally place you at the top in the equation of your life, what is at stake?  Are you willing to pay the price?  It is always the same leitmotiv.  It is all about the intense fear of finding yourself alone.  Isn’t it fascinating to observe that the aversion to being alone is certainly what controls your entire life?  You may not be cognitively aware of it, but it is very real.  Do you believe that choosing for you may actually push away those who have never esteemed you?  What is there to lose here?  And what if it could simultaneously attract men and women who have also been craving to develop a stronger sense of self-worth?  Ultimately, that does not sound like a bad swap.  But it takes a lot of courage to embark on this life-changing path.

::: Can negating your own self be an option any longer? 

Jennifer had just recovered from a two-year long nervous breakdown, and she was now on her way to an interview for a very exciting on-line marketing position.  When she arrived at the location, security escorted her to a conference room where she was scheduled to meet with three people.  Her cell phone rang.  She picked it up, and told the caller that she was about to have a very important meeting.  Yet, she kept on staying on the line.  How do I know that?  I was the hiring manager for the job, and the first person with whom she was scheduled to interview.  Jennifer whispered to me that it was one of her friends who was having serious marital problems, and asked me if I could wait a couple of minutes, which I did.  Ten minutes later, she was still on the phone, trying to solve her friend’s issues.  I walked to her and said, “Thank you for coming, but this is not working for me, and I know that this will not work for my group either.  Good bye and best of luck to you”.

Before you start calling me a merciless and inhuman jerk, may I invite you to continue reading?  Jennifer had chosen her friend over her own self.  She had basically made her friend’s problems her top-priority.  As a result, she discarded what mattered the most to her at that moment, which was to successfully cruise through a series of interviews to get a job that she really wanted.  In my world, this is called full-on insanity, or maybe absolute stupidity.  How can you seriously pretend to be functional if you cannot even sort your priorities out in a way that ensures you to thrive and prosper to the best of your capability?  My behavior was a clear display of how it looks like when you live on the other end of the spectrum, a place where you come first in the equation of your own life and elect to be aware of what the ramifications of your choices are for those you love and who trust you.  In short, I am the most valuable element in my life, and there is nothing or no one who has the power to disrupt that order.

Did Jennifer call me “selfish” and “heartless” in the email that she sent me the following day?  She was actually a bit more virulent than that.  Did it matter?  Absolutely not!  But per this society, I should have been more understanding of the situation in which she had put herself.  I should have negated what I knew was honoring me and the people with whom I worked at the time to accommodate her.  Never mind our schedules and work plans for the day because of such an outpouring of caring and loyalty for a friend in need.  This is the ultimate emotional trap, and Jennifer completely fell for it.  I did not, and yet she chastised me for my behavior.  And I am sure that there are many other folks who did chastise me for the way I handled this situation.  The proper demeanor to adopt would have been to show compassion and give her all the time in the world.  That certainly did not work for me.  What she and others think of me now?  I do not care.

To negate what you are and everything by which you stand is not an option, if you truly desire to live life to the fullest.  As soon as you start negating yourself, you begin to die.  Your soul ceases to exist.  There is no half-hearted option available here.  To deny your desires, so you can accommodate a situation knowing that it is certainly not satisfactory to you is not only criminal but it also sets the foundations for the construction of a pattern that will ultimately take away everything that you are.  Are you ready to choose what you know really works best for you, instead of settling and accommodating spouse, partner, kids, colleagues, employees, banker, boss, etc.?  You name it!  May I encourage you to say “Yes!” every single time you genuinely want to say “Yes!” and “No!” when it does not work for you?

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To promote the idea that someone else has to come first in the equation of your own life depicts the way most relationships are currently functioning.  If you create a rupture with this dynamic, you will be judged like never before.  Are you up for it?  Although it may not be too pleasant at first, ultimately isn’t it about your life, your happiness and your personal development and growth?  Are you ready to show your kids that this is an option, so in turn they will empower their own kids to embrace it?

Is breaking-up that excruciating after all…?

When you have finally come to the realization that something in your relationship is definitely not working for you, what are your options?  You can maintain the status quo by keeping the relationship as it is.  The problem is that it implies that you must keep on blindfolding yourself.  Or you have the possibility to initiate a conversation with your partner and speak openly about the issues that are troubling you, so you can pro-actively identify pertinent solutions that will benefit you as well as all the other parties who are involved in the equation.  As attractive as the second option always sounds, it is often times the first option that is selected.  Why is that?

There are folks who incessantly judge their partner’s behavior as abnormal, disrespectful, belittling, dishonoring, mean and diminishing.  And yet, they continue to endure what they know is wrong and they stay in the relationship.  They elect to suppress all their frustrations, resentment and anger instead of addressing them.  They give up on themselves rather than reacting adequately to the situation and being truthful to their feelings.  By doing so, they choose to widen the separation that already exists in lieu of narrowing and then potentially closing the gap to create a brand new momentum for the relation.

Have people decided that breaking-up was utterly excruciating?  Have they concluded that it is in reality so much more comfortable to stay put and suffer?  What if suffering were in reality a deliberate choice?  For many people, it even gives their lives a meaning, something that they can share with the herds of miserable men and women who surround them.  So they can never feel alone.

:::: Should the relationship be more important than you?

Why are there so many horrendous relationships out there?  Who do you know never complains about his or her mate?  Who do you know is entirely fulfilled in a relationship with another individual?  For some, to be fulfilled only refers to the ability to acquire material goods at any time and without restriction.  Only then can they truly feel alive.  They need a provider.  And as long as the partner continues to give them the resources to push this agenda, the connection remains optimal.  For others, it is solely about being involved with someone for the sake of being in a relation.  And the motivations range from the fear of being alone to having to conform to what others expect of them.  What does being totally fulfilled in your relationship mean to you?  What definition have you constructed and then embraced?  Look at it, and wonder whether this definition is preventing you today from truly emancipating yourself and growing exponentially.

How many times have you known that you desperately needed to get out of a relationship before suddenly changing your mind?  Do you remember what motivated this abrupt turnaround?  Was it the fear of having to face your responsibilities and be accountable for committing yourself to this dreadful relation in the first place?  Was it the apprehension of creating even more turmoil… in your partner’s life?  Was it the utter refusal to stand for your own self and choose what was required from you at this moment?  Was it cowardice?  What encourages individuals to deliberately stay in an environment within which absolutely no expansion can be generated?  What triggers such persistence, when they relentlessly try to make something that is doomed to fail work?  Do they know that those types of choices condemn them to live a life, which is filled with successions of sufferings and disillusions?  Do they know that inside they are dying, slowly but surely?  Are you currently dying inside your marriage?  Do you actually exist in any of your relationships?  Are you able to voice your viewpoints freely and without apprehension, or do you systematically feel the need to suppress them, so you do not create any troubles?  Every single time you suppress yourself, how does it make you feel?  Can you be entirely satisfied?  Or do you continue to corrode every single part of what you are?  Be aware that at some point, there will be nothing left of you.

A destructive piece of programming to which most people have been subjected refers to the absolute need to preserve the relationship at all costs.  How often have you shared with parents or friends your desires to regain your freedom after having spent way too much time in a bad and counter-productive relation?  And how many times were your desires discounted if not totally dismissed?  In this society, it is more important to maintain the status quo than it is to choose for yourself.  And this conditioning is definitely not limited to relationships.  It is about everything else.  In other words, it is your duty to accommodate anyone else before you even start thinking of you.  How often have you heard insane reactions such as, “How dare you be so difficult?  Your husband works so hard, so what if he screamed at you last night!  He needed to vent!  He’s just tired!  Instead of being so selfish, you should have compassion for him!”  The latter is totally crazy yet extremely common.  For your own sake, it cannot depict the way you choose to assess and then treat a situation in your relation with another individual.

::: Is a relationship like a safety net?       

Safety nets DO NOT exist!  Next topic…

::: What prevents you from being yourself in all your relations?

The fear to upset the partner is certainly the biggest reason that prevents individuals from sharing freely their concerns about a specific issue.  This dynamic is what gives its full-on meaning to the expression “to walk on eggshells.”  In other words, “I am ready to do whatever it takes to keep the peace in the relation!”  But what peace is there to preserve, anyway?  Everything has already been shattered, hence the absolute necessity to walk on eggshells at all times.  The total absence of peace is what pushes people to suppress what they are, because they are afraid of reactions and possible acts of retaliation.  There is no peace.  This is hell.  When you refrain from expressing yourself and tackling an issue which you know is affecting the quality of the relation that you have with your mate, the relationship has ceased to exist.  Can it still be revived?  Everything is always possible, as long as both parties are on the exact same wave length and are ready to pro-actively treat the core of the problem.  But who is sufficiently honest with oneself to embark on such a shaky and certainly unpleasant adventure?  It definitely takes a lot of courage and the willingness to hear what the other has to say without reacting to it.

Most of the conditioning that has been shoved down people’s throats since their early childhood is a total aversion to their being truthfully honest with their own selves.  It basically denies you of your right to know what is required for creating an expansive and joyful life.  Per this society, what supersedes everything else is to unilaterally embrace what the common denominator dictates.  If you bow to the common denominator, you are safe.  You do not make any waves and everybody is pleased with your docile and obedient behavior.  You do not disrupt how society as a whole functions.  Allow yourself to be guided, and nothing bad can ever happen to you.  From this perspective, how are you able to address anything that you view as disturbing?  Why would you, anyway?  Do you really want to be accountable for sabotaging this mechanism that makes this highly messed-up world what it is today?  Would you defy fatalism by bringing solutions that would make it a much more breathable place?  Think twice, because it goes against what everyone else expects from you!

Do you have to share your concerns about what is going on in your relationships, so you can prove to yourself and others that you count?  If you are aware that your friend, partner, spouse or parent is utterly unable to hear what you have to say, for what reason would you proceed with the intention of opening your heart?  Do you have to tell it all, anyway?  Or have you decided that you owed everyone an explanation about the choices that you make in your life?  If the latter tends to rule your existence, remember how many times you were disappointed after having shared your viewpoints.  How often were your positions, convictions and awareness totally dismissed, because they did not fit what is commonly acceptable?  You do not owe anyone anything.  When you are in reality all alone in your relationship or your marriage, and you know that you must leave it not only to preserve your own sanity but also to resume growing, you are free to do so without having to justify your choice to anyone.  Your justifications would not be heard, anyway.

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The choice to speak up about an issue shows your willingness to be honest with what is going on in your life.  By doing so, you clearly demonstrate that you are willing to be truthful with your own self.  But it is not necessarily pleasant and comfortable.  So many people cannot handle the realization that they have been involved in dreadful marriages for over twenty years.  To acknowledge the truth can be assimilated to receiving a violent slap in the face.  To act upon it can sometimes be compared to being run over by a giant bulldozer.  However, the rewards are always tremendous and extremely quick to come.

Are your best years really behind you?

How many men and women do you know have decided without the shadow of a doubt that the best years of their lives are in reality behind them?  How many times have you heard parents, relatives or friends share with so much confidence that their college years, the birth of their child or the day they were married represented in an irrevocable way the best time of their lives?  I would actually challenge you to tell me that you have never met someone who takes so much pleasure and pride in speaking continuously about the past and how glorious it was, in comparison to today.  It seems like their lives have stopped years ago, and there is nothing that could happen now or in the future and that would wake them up.  The “good old days” supersede everything.  And very much like a broken record, the nostalgic ones relentlessly praise their glory.  Actually, the number of individuals who have already concluded and fully embraced the irrefutable idea that their lives ended on the day they decided that their best years were indeed behind them is quite overwhelming.

Many folks have solidified to the extreme the fact that they have already missed out on the one opportunity of their respective lifetime to shine, create, meet, thrive and/or prosper.  Inside their minds, it is now too late to start generating anything that would have the strong potential to bring a different alternative to this dreadful routine that they have created, and from which they cannot extract themselves.  Is it truly what reality is, or is it a reality that they have chosen to construct, based on series of self-imposed limitations?  In this is the case, is the motto “before was better” solely a myth?  Moreover, what ulterior motives are needed, so this myth can be maintained in existence?  On the other end of the spectrum, do you believe that anyone can be empowered to seek and create better, greater, higher and stronger at any given moment?  For many men and women, the latter represents so much effort that they would rather surrender and cease to exist.

::: Who wants you to believe that yesterday was better? 

There are hundreds of millions of people out there who spend an immense majority of their time, if not all of it, complaining about what they do not have, what they should be entitled to have, and what they had in the past, which they have now lost, and for which they are so resentful today.  Would you like to take an honest look at these three categories, and assess whether you currently fit into one of them?  If you do, would you like to identify and acknowledge the benefits that you are gaining from cultivating such a demeanor?  What fundamental value is there to chew the reminiscence of something that is long gone and that cannot be altered?  What hidden agenda does it serve?  Who wants you to be pathetic?  Is that you, or are you embracing someone else’s viewpoint?  People who glorify the past give themselves no other choice but to be resentful today, because before was better and they do not have it anymore.  In other words, they set their lives up for failure.  They cannot be satisfied with what they presently have.  It will never top what they did have and that still represents the pinnacle of their existences today.

Isn’t living in the past the perfect justification for creating the perfect excuse for being strongly averse to change?  Isn’t it also a great way to avoid being bluntly truthful with yourself?  Furthermore, is choosing to be averse to change the tool of preference, so anything that comes your way is automatically and instantly swept under the carpet?  This is the ultimate means to escape your responsibilities, regardless of the severe backlash that this will trigger later on.  How many individuals do you know have this interesting propensity to bury their heads in the sand all the time?  Isn’t it what you have been taught to think, anyway?  To embrace the pleasant and discard the unpleasant, in spite of the consequences the latter will generate.  Not that many people are ready to step-up to the plate and be accountable for the decisions that they make, especially when the consequences happen to be absolutely horrendous.  By believing that today cannot matter anymore, it gives them the possibility to be reckless, irresponsible and dismissive towards others.  It is a form of convenience that is destructive not only for them but also for those who are exposed to them.

Do you believe that anyone has the power to impose his or her views on you and your life?  If you take a superficial look at what conditioning and programming are, you might be tempted to adopt the idea that you are malleable after all.  However, if you choose to acknowledge that you are empowered at all times to choose what you know would work best for you in the moment, this does not hold anymore.  It becomes everybody’s choice to be conditioned or programmed.  Even though living in the past and refusing to be present are widely spread behaviors inside this society, ultimately the choice to abdicate and let others take over your life is very much personal.  So, why do you want to believe that “before” was indeed better?  Why do you elect to erect grandiose shrines to the glory of your past?  Don’t you have the power to make the present even more grandiose?  It is a choice.  You can either surrender or continue to live.

::: What if you could still choose to enjoy a sixty-nine… at sixty-nine?

What do you need to change, so life does not have to stop abruptly simply because you have decided that your best years belong to the past?  Do you think that it is possible to be grateful for what you had before, regardless of the connotation that it carried at the time?  You could be immensely grateful for a successful professional career, a hot and attractive body, a great relationship, or even a wonderful Christmas surrounded by your entire family.  And why wouldn’t you also be grateful for a layoff, an unsatisfying body shape, a divorce, or not having been invited to a few all-so important New Year’s Eve parties?  The idea is that the past does indeed belong to the past.  It cannot be changed.  The only benefit that it can bring is your choice to learn from it, so you can identify all those patterns that you have embraced, and that have now ceased to function.  To make that your reality requires the necessity to be grateful for it all, especially the worst.  Remember, you are the sole creator of what your life looks like right here right now.  Therefore, the refusal to be grateful for what you have created up to this point is a negation of what you intrinsically are and the indelible mark of your utter refusal to learn from your past mistakes and successes.  Life is way too short to dismiss what needs to be changed.  Your existence must continually take a turn for the very best.  It requires a certain dose of courage to face those old demons or those choices that ultimately did not bring much positivity.  Are you ready to be honest, without judging yourself for having failed from time to time?  Nothing is ever too late.

Do you place much significance on your age?  Do you consider that you are too young or too old to dare thinking about all those dreams that you still have in mind and that you would love to see realized?  How many times have you heard, “Too young!” or, “Too old!” about pretty much everything, anyway?  In most societies, age is the one measurement that people undeniably use with intense nonchalance, so they can control others.  Age is segmented, and series of judgments are created, solidified and then associated to every single one of those segments.  “If you are laid off past fifty, good luck for finding a new job!” or “I am thirty-five and single, so I’ll never find a husband.”  Who is preventing you from finding true love for the first time at seventy-five or starting you own business at sixteen?  You have to do whatever it takes to thrive and prosper, despite the cruel fact that your environment is likely to dictate and impose its limitations on you.

What prevents you from enjoying a sixty-nine at sixty-nine?  The only person who ultimately has the power to judge you for expressing your desires is your own self.  What if the best were yet to come, regardless of how old you are?  Does it mean that you currently need to live your life waiting for the best, or could you enjoy every single bit of it right now, and despite what is going on?  When you are dead, it is all over.  It is way too late.  So there cannot be any room for regrets.  It is all happening right now.  You cannot be ashamed of your desires.  You will certainly be judged for them, but does it truly matter?  Why would you elect to suppress anything to satisfy anyone else but your own self?  This does not make any sense.

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If you are certain that the best is already behind you, may I suggest that you reconsider your opinion?  It is never too late to start living again.  Now is now. Now is not the future, and it is certainly not the past.  Whatever happened two minutes ago is over, gone, dead.  And I would actually challenge you to re-enact with precision what you did or said two minutes ago.  It is impossible.  So are you ready to leave your past where it belongs, which is in the past, and start fresh and new today, without having any ideas about what it is supposed to look like?