Do you need to be in a relationship to feel good about yourself?

When you were single, how often did your friends try to hook you up with one of their own friends? If you are single today, how often are you asked when you will finally meet the love of your life? But what if you were single by choice? Well, is it even a possibility? Inside this society, the idea of being single by choice is seen as outright crazy. How dare you be single when you are supposed to be in a relationship, so you can finally achieve the ultimate goal, which is to have children? How dare you choose for yourself, and go against the norms and protocols to which everybody is subjected and to which everybody elects to conform? Who do you think you are? You do not have the right to be your own person! So if you want to fit-in and be surrounded by people who will validate how popular you are, you’d better think twice about being different!

::: What does it mean to be single in today’s world?

Singles of the world, are you aware of all the attention that you get every single day? You are at the center of so many conversations! “There must be something wrong with him. At his age, he still hasn’t found a woman! Wait, he wouldn’t be gay, would he? That’s it, maybe he’s gay! Yes! He’s so flamboyant and so high-maintenance sometimes…” You are also at the center of so much pity and compassion. “Poor thing, spending nights and weekends by herself. She must feel so lonely! Maybe we should invite her for Christmas this year. No one should ever stay alone on Christmas.” Thanks to you, people who are involved in a relationship find something to talk about. It makes them feel good about themselves and the decision that they made to be in a relation. But it is also the perfect justification that they use to avoid assessing the significance of their own situation.

There are two types of singles. There are those who cannot bear the judgments others have of them, so they shop for a relationship until they drop, and there are those who are single by choice. Who are the ones who are celebrated? Those individuals who do and say whatever it takes to be in a relationship. And, the others are the weirdoes, the anti-socials, the loners, the drifters, the selfish ones. How many friends will invite you as a stand-alone to a dinner or to a party? And if they do, how often will they be looking at pairing you up with someone, expecting that it will lead to the beginning of a “wonderful love story”, just like the one they pretend to have, so you are finally able to relate to them? And if you choose to resist their favors, how long will it take for them to simply stop calling you?

How many times, in the days that followed a break-up, has a friend jumped on the opportunity to let you know about someone that would be perfect for you? You simply cannot stay alone! It is not an option. It makes you a loser. You have to be a winner. You have to be normal. You have to be like everybody else. You have to be in a relationship, regardless of the price that you need to pay to maintain its existence. You need to fit-in and fully embrace what is expected from you: get married and procreate, so this society can never go extinct.

::: Do you allow your relationships to define you?

Most men and women fear rejection. To that effect what do they do, so they can prove themselves and others that they are worth being seen and heard? They engage in a romantic relationship. Isn’t being in a relationship the ultimate mark of acceptation? So when you judge that you are “still” single, what does it intrinsically mean? It basically signifies that you see yourself as a reject of the society in which you are evolving. It implies that no one wants you, that you are not worthy to be with anyone, or that there is not a single person who is worthy enough to deserve you. Is that true? Or are those just clichés? Singlehood is not bad unless you have decided that it is utterly unacceptable. It is not a fatality or a curse. It is often times required to re-invent yourself.

The thought that only a very few men or women are really worthy of you may be the reality. If this is your reality, are you ready to accept the fact that you are a very rare and precious commodity, even if the price to pay is never to find the adequate mate? How many people who absolutely needed to build a family went on to create a relationship with someone who quickly started to abuse them emotionally, physically, and sometimes both? They got their need satisfied, but at what price? How many single men and women brag about having a strong sense of self and pride themselves in being so independent and professionally successful? That is until they are involved in a relationship. And suddenly their self-confidence turns into the fear of systematically doing something wrong that may perturb and enrage the partner, because the partner requires to be pleased at all times.

Should you use a relationship as a measure of what you inherently are? Do all your relationships define you? If this is the case, you need the presence of someone else in your life, so you are able to determine what the meaning of your existence is. This is extremely risky if this other person does not at least exceed all the standards by which you choose to live your life. And one of those core standards is listen to what you really desire, not what others want for you. This can be highly challenging, because it goes against all the pre-conceived ideas that were shoved down your throat since childhood.

–
Do you have to be in a relationship at all costs to feel good about yourself and, ultimately, be yourself? Happiness comes from within. No one else can make you happy. It is your choice. There are relationships that can contribute to expand your horizons, in all areas of your life. And they are the ones that you want to have.