Are most relationships already over before they even start?

Can the excitement that surrounds the beginning of a brand new relationship hide the fact that it is dead before it even starts?  How is that possible?  How can anything that is very much real and that feels alive already be dead?  If this sounds utterly ludicrous, I would like to invite you to remember one of your past relationships that did not last.  Why didn’t it live up to your original expectations?  In the beginning, weren’t you certain that the two of you would live happily ever after?  After all, you introduced him to everybody as “The One,” didn’t you?  Now, take the time to look at yourself and reminisce what your initial motivations were before you elected to commit to the relationship.  Which one of your agendas was the relation supposed to serve?  And is it when you finally realized that your agenda would never be fulfilled, that everything suddenly started to spiral down to a point of absolute no return?  In other words, was it by choosing to be in this relationship for the wrong reasons that you instantly killed it?  More importantly, was your partner even aware of your motives, or were they all unspoken?

::: Are you in a relationship to serve a purpose?

Many men and women spend their entire lives seeking and then attempting to maintain relationships that are solely based on their constant need for convenience, comfort and (re)assurance.  This is their purpose in life, and every single relationship that they create is intended to serve it.  Any occurrence that produces an environment that differs from this objective is instantly rejected with much virulence.  The problem is that this purpose is never shared with whoever else is also involved in the equation.  And since the other party does not know what his or her mate covertly requires, he or she is given no other choice but to systematically fail.  Have you ever been this person who always needed to walk on egg shells?  Why was it your only alternative at the time?  You were certainly unable to grasp what was truly expected of you, simply because it was never communicated to you, openly and clearly.  As a result, you made successions of “mistakes” and you were harshly punished for each one of them.  Welcome to the way most relationships function inside this society!  They are about formulating needs that are never shared with the other.  Therefore the other and at a greater extent the relationship can only fail miserably for not fulfilling those needs.

Some people constantly have to create needs.  Those individuals have developed the destructive habit to believe that nothing can ever be enough.  So they always require more.  Every time they are able to attain a level of achievement that momentarily satisfies their expectations, it allows them to see life as something that is a tiny bit “less hard” to endure than usual.  Two words perfectly summarize this energy: emotional greed.  And emotional greed is a major component that leads to the creation of way too many relationships.  Emotional greed encourages people to connect with others, so they can push their agendas and, ultimately, make sure that their covert purposes are served.  Emotional greed appears when you make the decision that you are afraid of never having enough in your life, making this “never enough” an intrinsic element of your reality.  Relations are created in an attempt to fill this void and tone down this fear at all costs.  At least one party involved relentlessly uses the other, hoping that he or she will bring-in what is missing.  Are you presently in a relationship for similar reasons?  Do you need to be with someone who has to fill your emotional, financial and/or sexual void?  Do you need to meet an individual who fulfills this unspoken role?  Are you consequently ready to kill your next relationship before it even starts?

The categorical refusal to be alone is also a great generator of relationships that die before they even start.  This phobia of being alone is preponderant inside this society, because to be alone is often times judged as a sign of personal failure and as a total inability to be socially adequate.  It is considered as an inability to fit-in.  And how many people do you know are desperate to fit-in at all costs, so they finally have the feeling that they belong to something?  In reaction to their inability to assume such judgments, many folks conclude that they need someone else to find a meaning to their own lives.  But do you really need anyone else to function?  If you have decided that aloneness is utterly excruciating and therefore an impossible option for your existence, do you expose yourself to whichever choices and decisions your lifeline elects to make?  You lose all your powers.  As soon as you choose to rely on somebody else to fulfill your hidden agenda, you eliminate the notion of “ease” from all domains of your life.  In a nutshell, “ease” means empowering yourself to accept everything and everyone, positive and negative, invited and (especially) uninvited, without becoming subjected to anyone else’s environment and whichever things are created inside this environment.  Ease is what characterizes long-lasting happy and harmonious relationships with self, others and things.  It nurtures drama-free relations.

::: Can your relationship become your way toward the cross?

When you have decided that without a mate, your life is empty, what becomes of your own self?  Are you then fully dependent on your partner’s decisions, behaviors and moods, even if they absolutely do not work for you?  Moreover, does it give you any other choice but to hand all your powers over to this other person?  When that is the case, is there really anything else to which you can look forward, or have you already completely ceased to exist?  You may very likely convince yourself that since you are breathing, therefore you exist.  But deep inside, are you still alive?  You do not have to reach that point.  You do not have to let yourself grow tired of carrying this cross that represents the intolerable burden that your relationship has become over time.  Because once it is all over, what do you do?  What is left of you?  And what do you choose next?  What do you do with your emotional baggage?  Do you create something new with someone else, and that ends-up being your new way toward the cross?  Do you still embrace your emotional greediness and repeat the exact same mistakes?  Or do you rather choose to sit for a minute, take a deep breath, assess how you have been functioning in regard to all your relationships until now, and choose differently, even if it means that you may have to remain alone for a while?  Are you ready to be judged as a complete loser, even if others have no clue that you are rebuilding yourself, so you can finally honor your own self and choose consciously from this point forward?

Should you continue to waste your time looking for love where it does not exist?  Isn’t it finally time to stop allocating all your energy on maintaining this artifact that you call “love,” so you can conceal the harsh reality that you are definitely not involved in a healthy and harmonious relationship with your partner and with your own self?  Are you ready to acknowledge that some of the relationships that you have created were dead way before they even started to exist?  Unless it still serves a purpose to be this martyr who continually carries a cross, symbol of all your emotional sufferings and your unavoidable shortfalls.  What you think is love is in reality nothing more than a vulgar notion that you have fabricated, so you are able to relate to the mediocrity of the masses in an effort to perpetually reassure yourself that life is not all that bad after all and that you are not alone.  How about putting an end to the martyrdom?  Are you ready to take an honest look at your choices and see whether loving and appreciating yourself truly requires anyone else’s presence, physical and/or emotional?  Are you ready to see others as additions to your life, and not as substitutions to what you are?

There are folks out there who are purposely in relationships for the wrong reasons.  “Wrong reasons” refers to all those expectations and decisions, which are based on personal need and emotional greed, and that people create so they can target this one specific person who (hopefully) will successfully fulfill those needs.  When expectations of fulfillment are placed on others, they immediately become the sole foundations of the relationship.  Expectations are very diverse and, most of the time, they defy all sense of logic.  They can be based on emotional, financial and/or sexual needs.  They can also be based on the credit, the validation and the acknowledgement that some people must obtain from others, since it gives them the confirmation that they indeed exist.  However, what ineluctably happens when the other party stops living up to those (unspoken) expectations?  The relationship ends and a strong sentiment of resentment surfaces, because the return on investment is viewed as null.  This is when reactions such as, “I have wasted ten years of my life in this marriage” start kicking in.

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What makes you believe that you are actually not in total control of your own life?  Is it the result of all this programming to which you have been subjected, and that implicitly stipulates that handing all your powers over to someone else is the only viable alternative at your disposal, so you can grow?  When you have decided that you must wait for others, so your life can finally take a certain turn, where do you place yourself in the equation of your own life? 

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